


Cher journal

by snekwami



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Diary/Journal, Girl Squad - Freeform, Multi, is slow burn friendship a thing? it's a thing, like... a lot, more characters and friendships but I'll tag them when they get relevant, poor mylene probably has anxiety or something in this, seriously this is a Girl Squad centric fic and the boys are not in it much except sometimes Ivan, there's Julerose but I won't tag it unless it gets more prominent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-01-06 11:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12210798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snekwami/pseuds/snekwami
Summary: Secret diary of Mylène Haprèle -- no one is allowed to look until the year 2500!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just suddenly felt like writing a Mylène-centric fic so I kinda started churning this out when I was meant to be doing other stuff. I've never written a fic in diary form before so I have no idea if this is even good or not. But Mylène needs more appreciation so I'll post it anyway! (It starts off basically a POV switch of canon episodes but will probably diverge somewhere along the line, I don't really know where I'm going with this tbh)

Dear Diary,

 

After everything that’s been happening recently, everyone has been feeling very on-edge. Me especially. Rose suggested that maybe if I start writing a diary, it’ll be a way for me to safely let all my feelings out. It would be less nerve-wracking than having to tell someone out loud about all of this anyway. She said that scrapbooking helps her with that kind of thing, so maybe this will help me. She’s probably right.

I don’t really know where to begin. I suppose I’ll start with myself. My name is Mylène Haprèle, I’m 14 years old, and I’m a student at Collège Françoise Dupont. A new school year has just started. I didn’t expect it to really be any different from normal, but it already is. I thought the worst part would be maybe getting lots more homework, having lots more exams, having to deal with Chloé Bourgeois – the daughter of the mayor, and she’s in my class this year. But things are a lot worse than that.

Well, we still don’t exactly know what’s going on. The first I knew was when every TV screen was showing footage of a giant rock monster that was charging through the streets of Paris, apparently on a revenge hunt for Kim. (Kim is a boy in my class who seems to be a bit of a jerk.) I’ll admit, though I was terrified, I was secretly relieved that the monster already had a target and it wasn’t me. I know, I know, that’s a horrible thing to think! Kim might not be great but he doesn’t deserve being crushed to death by some supervillain! But when I’m in the throes of terror like that, I suppose my brain doesn’t really think sensible thoughts. My only thought was to get away to safety as quick as possible.

I ran off home, curled up under a blanket with a cup of tea and some soothing music, and tried to just relax. Despite what people think of me, I’m sort of an expert at it. The bright side to being so timid that you jump at shadows is that you also learn how to deal with it very well. I guess that helps me out in situations like these. Most people aren’t used to feeling frightened all the time. At least I know what it feels like. A giant scary monster isn’t all that different from a big spider, or having to give class speeches, or… you get the idea. (Well no you don’t. You’re just an almost empty notebook.)

I really didn’t want to watch the news later because I didn’t want to think about that terrifying villain, but my curiosity got the better of me. Now here’s where things started to get _really_ weird. The monster actually turned out to be Ivan Bruel, of all people! He’s another guy in my class, and also now my b… wait, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. Writing like this is hard. I feel like I’m not doing a very good job of it yet!

Anyway, no one’s exactly sure what happened, though Alya managed to record some of it and sent the footage to the news. (Alya’s a new kid at our school and she seems amazing.) It seemed like Ivan had been possessed by some kind of evil little butterfly thing, which turned him into a monster. There were two superheroes there too, though no one’s sure where they came from. One of them was dressed in a skin-tight red suit with black dots, and called herself Ladybug, and the other was dressed all in black with a tail and kitty ears, and called himself Chat Noir. They managed to save Ivan from whatever had possessed him.

They managed to save him temporarily, at least. The news later showed that more people were being turned into rock monsters, except that they weren’t moving, they were just still as statues. I closed all the windows in the house to make sure no evil butterflies could get it, if that was what was causing it. Being turned into some kind of immovable stone statue sounded far too awful to me.

The rest of that night felt like a bit of a daze, really. Nothing felt real. I mean, supervillains? Superheroes? This is the kind of thing that happens in stories, not in real life! I’m already usually so tense but this was even worse. Knowing that anything can happen now, whether you think it’s realistic or likely or not. I was so distracted I forgot to do my homework, though I hoped our teacher wouldn’t get cross about it considering the circumstances. (She seems really nice.)

The next morning at school, the first thing I saw was my classmates crowding around poor Ivan, interrogating him about what had happened. I really wanted to go reassure him or something, but I didn’t want to increase the crowds even more. I know what it’s like to have all the attention on you when you don’t want it. And anyway, um, I suppose I was still a little irrationally scared of him. Not because he was a monster! Well, maybe a bit. But because… well, he is a little scary, isn’t he? Ugh, no, I shouldn’t say that! He doesn’t mean to be scary! I’m just a coward, that’s all.

From what I could hear, it sounded like Kim wasn’t happy about Monster-Ivan trying to kill him the previous day. That was only natural, but it sounded like he was blaming Ivan for it too, which was unfair! How was it Ivan’s fault if he got possessed? The poor guy was trying to explain to everyone that the monster wasn’t really _him_ , he didn’t mean to knock over buildings or hurt people or anything like that. He probably didn’t even mean to try and kill Kim. Alright, he was probably annoyed at Kim a lot. It seems Kim isn’t particularly nice to him. But Ivan wouldn’t hurt a fly!

I feel like maybe I should have said something nice to Ivan to make him feel better. Why can’t I ever say things when I mean to? At least the others mostly seemed to be nice enough, just somewhat curious. Well, except for Chloé. She was being mean to poor Ivan, so much that he stomped off in a huff. I haven’t spoken much to Chloé at all but she’s never really nice to anyone. If there’s anyone in the class I’m scared of most of all, it’s probably her…

Actually, she’s nice to one person. And no, it’s not her “friend” Sabrina. It’s the fashion model who started school on that very day – his name is Adrien Agreste. From what I’ve seen of him and what my other friends have told me, he seems nice enough. But I thought at first he probably must be just like Chloé, considering the way she ran up to him and started hugging him as soon as he walked into the school building. I really need to learn not to judge people from their appearances, don’t I? Chloé’s probably just nice to him because he’s rich and famous. Just like her.

Anyway, trust me to get my period on the second day of school. The cramps! The blood everywhere! I had to rush to the toilets just before class started, and I knew I was going to be late. As soon as I came out of the toilets I ran straight into Ivan, and… well, I didn’t mean to get scared! But he was just standing there, looming over me like the giant he is, with a big frown on his face, and…

It doesn’t feel very nice to write about what I was truly feeling at that moment. But this is a personal diary, right? I’m supposed to write the things I would never tell anyone. So I’ll say it: for a few seconds, I didn’t see him as Ivan. I saw him as that giant rock monster. “Stone Heart”, as they call him. I was just paralyzed.

But then my brain kicked in and told me that no, this is not Stone Heart, this is just your poor classmate Ivan who probably needs some support right now, so get it together Mylène!

The poor boy told me, in a kind of wavering voice, that he had written something for me and he wanted me to hear it. Then he held up his phone and pressed the play button. There was no way I could have been prepared for what happened next. You see, I like calm music. Classical, gentle pop, ballads, that sort of thing. But Ivan! He likes punk, he likes hard rock, he likes heavy metal. And this loud, heavy music started playing, startling the life out of me! And then he started… “singing”? But when all the music you listen to is screamo, I suppose that’s how your singing would end up…

I am ashamed to write the next bit at all. I hope no one finds out that this happened.

I ran away.

Yes, I know. I ran away from harmless _music._ I’m a coward. I don’t mean to be! But I’m just too scared of things for my own good. I run first, think later. And I know it’s something I really should be working on, but it’s just so hard, you know? I like being comfortable. I like living in a bubble. People say the same sorts of things to me as they say to Rose – you’ll never survive out there in the real world! Toughen up!

I guess they’re right. Maybe if I was tougher, I wouldn’t have just covered my ears and ran away from Ivan when he was just trying to sing to me. He really didn’t mean to scare me, I know that. Logically, I knew it even then. But I just didn’t think! I only ran. Just like I always do.

Huh, Rose was right about this diary being a good place to vent. I never say any of these things out loud. But it’s nice to finally admit them somewhere other than just in my brain. Keeping things all locked inside probably won’t help me, will it?

Since I was already late for class I just went back there and sat down. Barely a minute went by before Stone Heart himself reappeared – he just smashed through the classroom door like it was nothing! The worst part is, I was… well, I was kind of hoping he’d just target Kim again. I didn’t want to be in danger. Not that I wished any harm on Kim! I just… oh, I don’t know. Fear seems to do terrible things to my brain.

But Stone Heart didn’t target Kim. It’s all kind of a blur actually. I remember him coming right up to me, picking me up in that giant stone hand of his, speaking in that horrible gruff voice, yelling my name at top volume. I didn’t even know what he wanted with me! He was saying something about being together forever, but it was hard to pay attention with all the screaming and chaos going on everywhere. Even now it’s all so fogged up in my brain. I really can’t remember what happened there.

The next thing I knew, we were out on the street. He still had me in his clutches, and Chloé too apparently, since I could hear her whining. How was she not scared? I suppose that’s one thing I can admire about her. It would be nice to be so confident that you don’t have any fear, even in life-or-death situations like these. I remember thinking to myself that maybe this was my fault, that maybe I shouldn’t have run away from Ivan earlier, that maybe I should have said something to comfort him when everyone else didn’t! And mostly I was thinking that I was going to die. That’s it for me. People had died the previous day, in fallen buildings and smashed cars, and now it was my turn.

This really is so hard to remember now that I think about it. And it doesn’t feel good to think about, either. It makes me shake. I mean like, physically shake. Trembling hands, that kind of thing. I know what fear is like. But this is even worse.

I do remember all the other rock monsters coming to life and obeying Stone Heart. I also remember Ladybug and Chat Noir coming to help us. I remember Stone Heart clambering up the Eiffel Tower like the monsters in movies do with tall buildings, and then throwing Chloé down at the street below. I think Ladybug saved her though. It was hard to see properly from up there, especially while being waved around by Stone Heart all the time.

Oh, I tried to keep calm. I tried everything I could think of. Praying, meditation, deep breaths, even trying to talk to the monster himself and reason with him. None of it was working. I was just so afraid, and I never want to feel like that ever again in my life!

Another thing I can vaguely remember is something very weird happening. I suppose I could verify it by checking out all the TV recordings of the incident (it was all over the news) but I don’t really want to have to relive all that. Anyway, what I _think_ happened is that Stone Heart… vomited up a bunch of butterflies? See, it sounds ridiculous. And then the butterflies started talking? “I am Hawk Moth, I did this, Ladybug and Chat Noir give me your powers or I will carry on terrorizing Paris!” Something along those lines. I don’t really remember. Maybe I was just so afraid that I was hallucinating.

Then Ladybug herself was saying something, though I was so high up I couldn’t quite hear her. By this point I think I had just curled up with my head in my arms, awaiting certain death and hoping it wouldn’t be too painful.

More things happened, it’s all such a blur I can’t distinguish one event from another or tell what order things happened in. More fights against the villain, me calling out for help at every opportunity and hoping these superheroes would be able to save me, just like in movies. It’s funny because when you watch movies you always see it from the superhero point of view, don’t you? Never the helpless civilian stuck in the midst of all the chaos. Now I know how that feels.

At some point the Ladybug hero used her yoyo (at least, I think it was a yoyo?) to suddenly pull Stone Heart’s hand aside and I ended up smushed onto his face! Yikes. I’m not counting that as a real kiss, no way. I don’t want my first kiss to have been with a supervillain. (Is it weird that this is one of the things I remember most clearly? I guess my brain works in weird ways.)

And then we were falling, falling off the Eiffel Tower through empty space. I remember being caught by Ladybug and landing safely on the ground. I remember seeing Ivan – now back to normal – being brought down safely too, by Chat Noir. And the strangest thing of all is that I remember seeing all the damage of the previous day being washed away by a wave of magic. That really is the only way I can describe it! I wasn’t even hallucinating or anything because it’s true. When I look out of the window right now I can see that everything’s back to normal. So magic really does exist. Does that make Ladybug a kind of witch?

It’s astounding how quickly things went back to normal. I guess I was so relieved at being safe that I just felt very… calm? For once? It’s like in the Sims, isn’t it? When the neurotic Sims freak out, they then have that “tranquil” mood thing for a few hours. Ugh, I didn’t explain that very well. I need to get used to this diary thing.

Ivan was looking very nervous standing there, much more than usual. It was… um… adorable. How else can I put it? It really was! And then Ladybug gave me a piece of paper with the lyrics to the song he had been trying to sing me earlier. I can’t remember them off by heart but it turns out it was a song about _me!_ He had wanted to sing to me about how great I am, how beautiful, how strong, all sorts of nice things like that. He hadn’t meant to scare me at all. He was trying to tell me how he felt.

In other words, he had a crush on me.

You’d think I wouldn’t be surprised. Why else would someone have wanted to sing to me? But still, it was hard to believe. It’s not easy to trust people who tell me how cute and pretty I am when I get the same amount of people poking my tummy and telling me to exercise more. And there are so many pretty girls in the class who Ivan could have fallen for! Marinette’s the cutest, we all know that, and so is Rose, and Juleka has certainly made me question myself on occasions considering how gorgeous she is…

But no. Out of everyone it could be, the person who Ivan loves is _me_. Even thinking about it now, it just… oh, it makes me happier than you would even expect. Me!! Someone’s in love with little old me!! Mylène Haprèle, that mousy little girl who jumps at shadows and sudden noises, and Ivan thinks I’m brave!! He really does love me!!

He was looking so incredibly nervous, bless him, I couldn’t help but feel weirdly pulled towards him. Ivan isn’t exactly someone I had considered before but you know what? He’s a great guy. Of course he is. Always trying to be nice, such a sweetheart on the inside and too nervous to show it. I don’t know if I properly love him back. But I _do_ know that I like him, and I made sure to tell him how wonderful his song was and how much I appreciated it. He looked ashamed and said that next time he would try to sing more quietly so that it wouldn’t scare me, and I…

Well, maybe I was a bit caught up in the moment. I just ran up and hugged him tight. I think I really needed a hug at that point and why not Ivan? For what felt like a few whole minutes he just stood still in shock before finally hugging me back. I don’t even know how long that lasted. All I know is that when I finally let go, Ladybug and Chat Noir were nowhere to be seen. I guess as superheroes they need to keep their identity a secret.

And then the police were asking us details about what had happened and the tranquil bubble of peace popped. Back to real life again. Everyone asking all sorts of questions – what will “Hawk Moth” do now? If he’s the one sending these evil butterflies to possess people, will it happen again? Is Paris safe?

I almost started crying. At least this time Ivan was there and he put a comforting arm around me, telling me that I deserve a rest because I’ve been through a lot. Well so does he! He’s been transformed into a supervillain twice in the past two days! If anyone needs a rest, it’s him! But he said he’s going to try not to let this affect him. He’ll be back at school tomorrow with everyone else, just moving on and getting on with his life as if nothing’s different. I guess I’ll try doing that too.

Anyway, I suppose he counts as my boyfriend now? We did hug again before I ran off back home, and I did tell him things like “I like you so much and I love your song and you’re an amazing person!” I hope he doesn’t think it was just me trying to make him feel better or just spouting out nonsense on the spur of the moment from all the overwhelming emotions of everything that had happened. I really did mean it. And he did tell me that if I want to go for walks with him, or go to the café together, or just hang out together in general, he’s always up for that. He probably really is my boyfriend in that case. I’ve never had one before – I hope I don’t mess up!

But honestly that’s kind of the last thing on my mind. The most important thing for now is that everyone’s okay, thanks to Ladybug’s powers. Even the news reporters seem surprised while trying to maintain their neutral tone. Buildings that fell over are now magically back in place, people who died are brought back to life, those with injuries are mostly fine now. School today seemed mostly uneventful in comparison to everything else.

Well, there’s one big difference. Ladybug and Chat Noir. Everyone’s talking about them all the time. Alya’s already started up a blog, called the Ladyblog, where she posts all her news about the superheroes. On the way to school I saw a stall selling Ladybug pins so I bought one for myself and pinned it on the front of my hoodie. It’s a sort of way of showing gratitude to Ladybug for saving my life. I wonder if I’ll ever get to meet her again?

Ow, my hand hurts a lot now. I’m not used to writing so much. I didn’t really do much work at all during the summer holidays so I’d better get used to it before the homework starts piling up! And in the meantime I hope nothing else this bad happens. Why did it have to happen to Ivan? Why me? Usually when bad things happen, you just hear about it in the news from some faraway perspective. But this… this was so real. So close. _Too_ close.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

It's hard to get into the habit of keeping a diary when I've never done it before, but Rose was right about one thing – I need this. I really, really need it. You see, there was another villain attack today. And it wasn't just anyone who got possessed, it was another innocent classmate of mine – Nino Lahiffe!

I'm still not 100% certain what happened. It was Adrien's birthday today and we all congratulated him at school and he seemed fairly happy, and so did Nino. But then during lunch the most absurd thing happened. A giant mass of bubbles swept through the city, trapping all the adults and lifting them high into the sky! I wish I could say I'm joking, but I'm really not.

My father works at the school, by the way, so I tend to stay there for lunch and I saw him taken away before my very eyes. That kind of terror is just… well, I don't even want to write about how it felt. Is my handwriting really bad right now? My hand is still shaking.

Anyway, I was busy freaking out and sweet Rose and Juleka, bless them, tried their hardest to reassure me. It worked somewhat because at least I remembered that this must be another of Hawk Moth's attacks, and surely Ladybug and Chat Noir will come to stop it soon like they did last time.

Things didn't sort themselves out quite that fast, though. A rather brightly coloured (and frankly, utterly ridiculous-looking) supervillain showed up and threatened to send us up to the stratosphere with the adults if we didn't immediately go over to Adrien's house and… throw him a birthday party.

I told you, I wish I was making this up.

So! Over to the large Agreste mansion we went, though we only stayed in the courtyard. The villain had set up a DJ table. When Adrien came out of the house we all cheered and started celebrating – more out of fear than anything else. I was fully prepared to faint on the spot from fright.

Oh boy, my hand hurts… I'm so unaccustomed to writing this much. And I'm so tired. I had to do homework first. Miss Bustier's nice enough about late homework, especially considering the circumstances, but unfortunately I can't say the same about Ms Mendeleiev. Apparently villain attacks are no excuse.

The first kid who the villain bubbled up into the sky was my poor dear Ivan. Apparently he wasn't celebrating enough. But Ivan doesn't like parties and things like that! He's ever so quiet and unassuming. Could you really expect him to join in? And I suppose he's not so scared of Hawk Moth's villains, having been one himself.

At some point after that, Ladybug and Chat Noir showed up, and we all started cheering for them, which was a mistake. The villain bubbled _us_.

I already know I don't like heights. Tall buildings, plane flights, all that sort of thing. I hate it. You already know how scared of things I am, right? So yes, you can imagine very well how I reacted to being forced into an enclosed bubble and sent up into the clouds.

I cried. A lot. I still feel tired from it. I know I said the other day that I like living in a bubble, but I didn't mean it literally!

I can't even remember how long it was until Ladybug's magic freed us all. All I remember was running into Ivan's arms and letting the tears soak his t-shirt. He's so very big, you know – like a giant. It's easy to just fit into his arms and stay there, comfortable, forgetting that anything else in the world exists. And I certainly would have liked to stay there forever, had we not been deposited right into Adrien's front yard, with his bodyguard shooing us all away. Ivan just picked me up in his arms and carried me off with him.

We sat down on a bench nearby instead. I felt somewhat embarrassed about crying, especially in public, but to be fair there were a lot of rather distressed people around. Adults rushing home to check up on their kids, kids running around trying to find their parents, that sort of thing. A teenager crying in fear maybe wasn't so bad.

Anyway, what can I say? Ivan is the best. He stroked my hair and told me, oh so softly, that it's all okay now, Ladybug and Chat Noir are always there to save the day, it's okay to be afraid, he knows I'm strong anyway and he loves me. I think he really likes comforting me. Maybe it helps him feel like he's actually doing something nice for someone? Usually people are rather scared of him so they stay away. This must be a nice change for him.

I mean… this is a secret diary. I can say things here that I don't mean to tell anyone. So I guess I could say…

It makes me feel really guilty, but there's a little part of me that's still a bit scared of him.

There! I said it! He's big, he's tough, I know he's been in fights and things before, I can't help cowering a little. And I HATE it! Ivan deserves better than a girlfriend who's afraid of him for things he can't help! After all, he's not going to hurt me, is he? If anything, it's the other way round, since I can't even tell him the truth. That I still get nightmares about Stone Heart picking me up and carrying me far away. That I sometimes wonder if I actually love him, or am I just relieved that there's someone out there who loves me? Or what if I'll never stop being scared of him? What if he notices?! What if he feels hurt by it!!

Wow Rose, you were right about this diary, weren't you…? The feelings just spill out by themselves. Everything's getting just a little too real. I'm not sure I like it, actually. Maybe that's enough writing for tonight.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

It hasn't been very long since the Bubbler attack. (That's what Nino's villain name was.) Nino seems to be taking it alright, but then again, he was very laid back in the first place. He's good at dealing with things that other people can't deal with.

Anyway, more “akuma” attacks have been happening through the city, with Ladybug and Chat Noir stopping each one. Apparently the little evil butterflies that Hawk Moth uses to possess people are called “akumas”, and therefore being possessed is called being “akumatized”. Alya put all the information on her blog so that citizens can be aware.

Is it normal that I'm still shaking in anticipation? Every time I hear a slight thud or noise, I just jump involuntarily. I can't help it! I've always been jumpy, but not like this. These nerves are so exhausting. And I haven't been sleeping well either, though I try. Last night I had a nightmare about the Bubbler taking away my dad again. At least it was a change from the old Stone Heart nightmare…

On a brighter note, Ivan put flowers in my locker for me at school. It was ever so sweet of him! Seriously, when I opened my locker door and saw the pretty flowers and the little love note (“For my beautiful Mylène, I love you --Ivan”) it made my heart flutter in a way it hasn't done before. I think I'm getting accustomed to the idea that someone actually likes me enough to have fallen in love with me. It's so nice!

The most surprising thing, though, is what Marinette told me later that day.

“It was Kim who gave Ivan the idea to do that!” she said. “You know that Kim's trying to make it up to Ivan for getting him akumatized, right? Well he's a hopeless romantic too and was suggesting all sorts of cheesy things to Ivan. I heard him. Be prepared for movie dates, café dates, and lots more flowers!”

Oh, Marinette. She looked so happy. Ivan told me that she helped give him the courage to confess his feelings to me in the first place, so I really am very grateful to her. And I suppose I'm a little grateful to Kim, too! If he's trying to be nice now then good for him. I just wish something as awful as an akuma attack didn't have to be what caused his change of heart.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear diary,

 

Another classmate akumatized. Alya, this time. She became Lady Wifi. All the details are on her blog, if anyone reading this wants to know exactly what happened then just read that because I really don't have the emotional energy to describe it myself right now.

There's something weird about this diary that Rose could never guess would happen. It's sort of like… a crutch? When bad things happen, my first instinct is that I need to write down how I feel about it in here. Even the small things, like Chloé making a jab at someone in class, getting bad marks on homework, simple little things. But when I get round to actually writing, I always feel like it might make it worse by dwelling on it. Or that someday when I look back, I won't want to read through this diary because it'll remind me of the bad times in my life, so I'd better write about some good things too.

Does that make any sense? I don't even know myself what I'm feeling. Ever since these akuma attacks started my emotions have just been all over the place. Some of it might be down to teenage mood swings, fair enough. But not all of it. That's for sure.

I wonder how Alya's doing. From what she's posting on her blog, she seems to find the whole thing pretty cool. It's natural. She loves superheroes so much. According to her, she very vaguely remembers some things she did when Lady Wifi, though not very clearly. It's a little insight into what it's like to be akumatized. I know, I could have asked Ivan about it if I wanted to know. But I feel like he's a lot less happy about talking about Stone Heart than Alya is about Lady Wifi.

Alya's so brave. Seriously, how does she do it? She has no fear at all! Maybe in some ways that's a bad thing, since I know she's had to be saved by Ladybug a bit for getting into scrapes. (Quite a few people are starting to “ship it”. Superman and Lois Lane vibes, I guess? I don’t think it’s right to ship real people but they would be cute together.) But still, I feel like having no fear would be better than having too much. Fear is ruining my life.

One thing I have to say is that I feel more at ease around Ivan. There's something so innately comforting about having him with me. He's so affectionate in all the little ways – a pat on the arm, a shy little smile, a supportive comment. I can't help feeling that he's exactly what I _need_ right now. I can't even explain it. He just feels… right? Ugh, I don't even have the words to describe it!

Maybe I'm in love?

I don't know. I know I like him a lot, that's for sure. Love isn't something I've ever been able to figure out very easily. It seems that my own emotions are also something I run away from more often than I should. But I'm not going to this time.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

More akuma attacks. When will they end? Isn't Hawk Moth getting tired? Won't he ever give up? Because Ladybug and Chat Noir won't, certainly not. From the way they fight you can just see how much they care about this city. How they will do everything they can to protect the innocent from Hawk Moth's tyranny. Or at least, I keep telling myself that to stop the fear from overwhelming me.

A man who controls the pigeons, a villain impersonating Chat Noir, maybe some others I've lost track of. There have been quite a few villains by now. All the attacks have one thing in common – the akuma victim was feeling upset when Hawk Moth akumatized them. Which means that if any random citizen in Paris becomes upset for some reason, they could potentially be the next akuma villain…

I know I shouldn't be feeling so scared. Fear is a negative emotion, isn't it? And I don't want to be akumatized. But how can I help it? Now that I know this could happen to anyone?

Rose knows. She's so perceptive when it comes to feelings, she can see right through me. Today she took me on a walk to the park and we sat on the bench and shared snacks together.

“I want you to know that you're an amazing friend and classmate, no matter what!” she gushed, in that sweet little voice, her eyes lighting up like they always do when she's happy. “And if you ever need anything then don't hesitate to ask me!”

With that, she gave me a tight hug and then tied a little friendship bracelet around my wrist. It's small enough that my hoodie sleeve covers it, but what matters is that it's there.

Am I allowed to call Rose my best friend? There have been very few people in my life who I have given that title, since I simply don't seem to end up very close with people. But Rose! She's trying so hard to make sure I'm okay. That kind of effort has not gone unnoticed.

She's a lot closer with Juleka, though. They sit together in class, they spend all their time together, they scrapbook together, they go on outings together, they…

Hmm. I was going to say that they actually sometimes remind me of Ivan and I, but wouldn't that mean…? Well, I don't think Juleka and Rose are a couple. Not yet, anyway. I can't be the only one seeing something between those two, can I?

So maybe I don't have a best friend after all. I feel like I should be able to count Ivan as my best friend, but he's still so smitten and shy around me. I hope things feel more natural for him soon, since they're starting to for me, and I love it.

I'm good friends with Marinette I suppose (and by extension, Alya). But then again Marinette's friends with almost everyone. She's ever so charismatic. I do hope some of it rubs off on me!

Nathaniel doesn't seem to have any friends at all. Maybe I could befriend him? He seems nice from what I know, just sitting at the back of class and drawing things. It would be good to get to know him better. If his social skills are even worse than mine then at least I won't feel out of my depth!

And yes… I avoided mentioning Her very much up until now. I sit next to her. But she… I don't want to say she scares me, but how am I supposed to deny it? She does. She scares me a lot. Every time she slides into that seat next to me, silent, brooding, it just gives me the cold shivers. Every time a new bloody scrape from some violent stunt, every day her cap a little more torn up, every odd occasion that she speaks seeming colder and more frightening than the last!

Of course I want to make friends with her. But how can I when I can't even speak to her without chickening out? It's like what I used to think about Ivan, but worse. And I know she can't be as bad as my imagination tells me. She probably doesn't hide in dark alleyways, beating people up for money. She probably doesn't have a collection of loose teeth she’s punched out of people. She's probably not even remotely mean!

Drat. At least I have a reason for being afraid of Chloé. Not only is Chloé a horrible person, but her father is the mayor and can make us suffer any consequences he pleases. Being afraid of Chloé sucks, but at least it makes sense. Being afraid of Alix? That makes a lot less sense!

Well, it's her birthday in a few days and I'm technically invited. Kim rather loudly challenged her to a race on that day and she told everyone to come and watch her beat him. I suppose I'll go. And maybe then I'll see that she's not so scary after all, and she's actually a really cool, nice person, and I had nothing to be afraid of. Right?

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

Fate is real and hates my guts. I shouldn't have tempted fate so much, should I? Another classmate akuma attack now, and the worst so far.

Today was the first time in my life I have watched someone die.

I suppose I can see thestrals now? I don't know if it counts as having witnessed death when Ladybug used her powers to reverse it all anyway, with no lasting consequences. Well, no lasting _physical_ consequences. Emotionally is another matter entirely.

I don't really want to write about the attack itself. One thing about keeping this diary is that I've realized I'm not so good at objectively describing things that have happened. I prefer to just write about my feelings. Otherwise I get bored… and terrified.

Anyway, will I ever be able to get the Timebreakers out of my head? Yes, two of them. We're still not entirely sure what happened (and everyone's too scared to ask Alix herself what she remembers of it) but supposedly time travel was involved. It seems that at some point in a previous timeline that I don't recall, her birthday present pocket watch got broken, and she was akumatized into a villain. Then she killed people and absorbed their powers to go back in time to stop her watch from breaking, and Ladybug somehow travelled back with her. But the watch broke again (this I do remember – Chloé was holding it and she dropped it) so the other Alix got akumatized too, and…

Ugh, timey wimey stuff is hard to wrap my head around. If you want a proper explanation then ask someone like Max, I bet he's an expert on time travel.

So anyway. Today I've seen my friends getting frozen in time, their energy sucked right out of them. And to think I thought Stone Heart was bad! At least when he killed, it was more of a side effect of his hulking rage, not his intentions. I can't say the time for the Timebreakers. Oh, they meant to kill, alright. Over a pocket watch.

How am I supposed to go back to school tomorrow? I'm so scared I'm shaking, I can't sit still, I can't even eat without feeling sick! Out of respect we try not to bring up the akuma attacks, especially towards classmates who have been akumatized, but how am I supposed to hide my terror now? It'll be obvious. She'll come into class and sit next to me, as always, and she'll notice. A pale face, sweaty hands I keep wiping on my hoodie, bouncing leg, a full-on panic attack if I'm unlucky – she'll notice!

And what will she do? At best, it'll make her feel sad but she won't say anything. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course she'll say something. She may be quiet but if something's on her mind she'll say it. Especially when it concerns her. And what will she say? “Mylène, are you scared of me? Is this because I was akumatized?” And then what do I reply???

All this overthinking is exhausting me. Being scared is exhausting me. I just want to go to sleep and get away from it all – but sleep won't help. I can already tell there'll be a new nightmare waiting for me tonight. A nightmare about two terrifying twin villains on wheels, chasing me down to steal my energy.

I'm going to call up Ivan and chat with him for a while. He has a way of being so soothing and kind with me, it really helps bring my fear down to a reasonable level. And the other day I found an old music box I had as a little child, and it plays that “Smelly Wolf” lullaby. That was something that used to help put me to sleep a long time ago. Maybe it's time to start singing that lullaby again, just in case it'll help.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

Things were not as bad as I feared. Before I even got to the classroom Rose ran up to me and put a flower crown on my head. She's been making lots of them and offered them to everyone. I saw plenty of people walking around with flower crowns on, and it was quite nice to see! Even precious Ivan had one. It gave him quite an interesting aesthetic, I must say.

Alya was great too. She put her arm around me and asked, “How are you getting on? Need anything from me?” I suppose she has the same trait Rose has of being able to see when people need support.

I told her I was just a little jumpy, that's all, and then she handed me her number and told me to message her if I ever have a problem. “I'll be there in a flash and sort it out. I promise.” And with a wink, she turned around and walked off. Seriously, how does she have that confidence? I can't talk to people like that!

With my flower crown on and Alya's number stored away, I felt a little more prepared to face the day. It turns out I didn't really need it anyway. Alix didn't say a word to me – or to anyone at all, actually. She just sat there brooding as always. I guess I should have expected that. Maybe being akumatized hasn't fazed her at all.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

I was doing my homework with Ivan today and I just… well, I never expected I'd be the one making the first moves. But he's just so shy with me! So reserved! It's sweet, and it makes me feel so oddly confident in comparison. Is that bad? I don't know. But I know that what I did was pretty cool for my standards.

I just took his hand in mine and held on tight. Not even making a big deal or anything. I just held that giant hand of his and then carried on with my work as if nothing was different. But I could feel him beside me – at first tensing up in surprise, then relaxing, smiling.

Oh, it was so _sweet_. Why is he so sweet? When he smiles like that, when I see that little blush on his cheeks, knowing I did something to make him happy – it's too sweet for words, like a sugar rush zipping through my veins. Sometimes he just does something and I look at him and feel _dizzy_. Is that normal?

Who cares if it's normal. I like it. By all rights I shouldn't, knowing me and how I feel about things I'm not used to. But this? This is a good kind of new. This is the kind of new I could get used to. And I need more of it!

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

I was going to write about some of the recent akuma attacks (Sabrina's father, who I witnessed the mayor fire from his job right in front of me!) and the fact that I got to SEE THE CELEBRITY JAGGED STONE WITH MY OWN TWO EYES!!!

But then I was reading through the previous entry and blushing to hell and back. I hope no one reads this diary. I mean, I've been writing in a way that expects that someone will read it one day. But not too soon, I hope! Maybe in a few centuries some historians can dig it up and use it to figure out what life was like during the Great Akuma Era of the 21st century or something. But I don't want anyone I know reading this! It's far too embarrassing.

Rose was asking about it, actually. “How's that diary going? I can never keep a diary for more than 2 days before forgetting about it!”

I told her that I don't write in here every single day, only when I feel like it, and that seems to be working out much better for me. She then patted me on the head and told me I'm doing a fantastic job. She's so… motherly? Is that the right word? I can imagine her and Juleka adopting our entire class and taking care of us, giving us food, making sure we're all wrapped up for winter and everything.

And I held Ivan's hand again. We were popping into Marinette's bakery at lunchtime so I just grabbed his hand and ran! It was fun. And it was even nicer to hear him laugh! Maybe life isn't all bad sometimes. Not when there are heroes like Ladybug and Chat Noir around to save the day, and heroes like Ivan and Rose to make me feel better when I need it.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

Well, that was unexpected. I didn't think things could surprise me anymore, what with akuma attacks happening all the time, so often that we're getting used to it. But I shouldn't underestimate Alix Kubdel. She _smiled_ at me today.

I'm not making this up, I swear. I've mostly moved on from the Timebreaker thing, at least when I'm awake, so I'm not so nervous in class and everything – and when she sat down next to me today, she gave me a quick smile. Just a small one. Not the competitive smirk I usually see, but an actual smile. A kind of “hey, what's up?” smile. A _friendly_ smile.

Um, this is going to sound rude, but she's not a very friendly person. Ivan says he gets along with her fine and that she's actually very nice, and of course I trust him, but… she isn't friendly. She just doesn't talk to people and whenever she does, she's usually just challenging them to something like Kim always does. So is it any surprise that I found her friendly smile unexpected?

Ugh, it's just a smile. No big deal. She probably doesn't even know that I noticed. (I'm ashamed to say that I was too scared to smile back.)

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

I inspired Marinette today!!! Yes, the actual Marinette Dupain-Cheng!!! I inspired her!!!

You see, she was asking me how I'm getting on and everything, since she knows I find all the constant akuma attacks quite hard to deal with. I told her about this diary and how good it feels to vent in here, or even gush, or just write about whatever I feel like writing. And you know what she said?

“That's a great idea, Mylène! I should try that out myself actually! Maybe it would help me stop being such a mess.”

See? She's going to start keeping a diary too! Thanks to me!! Well, thanks to Rose originally, and I told Marinette so. (I don't exactly want to take credit where it's not due to me.)

Sorry, I know I shouldn't idolize Marinette so much. But she's everything I wish I could be! So confident, so charismatic, so loved by everyone, so sweet and kind and an amazing person in general. And she's super pretty too, and I bet people aren't constantly telling _her_ to lay off the sweets and junk food. And she's so good at so many things, always getting commissioned by people to do textile work for them–

Hey, that's an idea! My dad needed a pocket sewn into his hat for his mime act. (He's part of a part-time acting troupe and I get free tickets to all his shows.) Maybe I should ask Marinette to do it! That would be great!

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

Today was quite a day. Poor Nathaniel! It was his birthday and none of us had any idea, since he didn't tell anyone before today. And he's now the second classmate to have been akumatized on his birthday. You see, he was drawing comics during class and Ms Mendeleiev caught him. And not just any comics! They were – how did Alya put it? – “mary sue self-insert OC” comics, or something along those lines. Comics where he's a superhero and he's saving Marinette.

Bless him, honestly. Having an unrequited crush on one of the most popular girls in the year is probably quite daunting. Rose told me that Juleka had been sitting next to him since it was his birthday so he deserves to have some company, and at least Juleka has many of the same tastes as him. And she supposedly already knew about his crush on Marinette! Rose said they had been trying to keep it a secret for him. I guess they don't need to worry about that now.

Anyway, while poor Nath was off presumably getting akumatized, I was put into a group for the science project. My teammates? Ivan – of course – and Alix. I had been hoping for someone like Rose or Alya or someone as a third group member. But no. We got Alix.

Working in the library at first, it wasn't so bad. She already seems to know Ivan quite well and was joking around with him, which was interesting to see. It's not that I didn't know she had a sense of humour. Of course I did! It's just that I'd never really seen it in action.

She did speak to me a little bit. “You okay with that, Mylène? What do you think of this idea? Should we do this instead?”

All very impartial things. I just nodded along and let her take the lead. I'm pretty sure she's smarter than us both, anyway. Her big brother's actually a nerd, believe it or not. (Alya's the one who told me. Apparently Alix's brother is the one who got turned into the Pharaoh villain.)

Yeah, I didn't speak much, and she noticed alright. At one point she looked between me and Ivan and muttered something like, “And to think I was expecting to feel like a third wheel with you two…” Was she really? I wasn't exactly going to go full-on sappy with Ivan during school time, with other people there. I have standards.

It wasn't long before we were interrupted by the arrival of Nath's villain form – the Evillustrator, according to Alya's blog. I must admit, his powers were very interesting. He would draw something on a little tablet attached to his arm and it became real! It was almost _funny_ to see Chloé being chased around by a giant flying hairdryer.

As soon as Ladybug and Chat Noir arrived, we all escaped from the library. That was pretty much all we heard of Evillustrator. We carried on doing our work out in the courtyard instead, though by this time I was suffering from a bit of a nervous attack again. Ivan put his arm around me and kept it from overwhelming me.

What would I even do without Ivan? At this point I'm just so used to his company, his support, his love. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through all this without someone like him by my side. I know I said before that I didn't really count him as a best friend, but I do now. He's everything to me. Best friend, boyfriend, soulmate.

Wait, soulmate? Actually maybe that's getting a bit extreme. Whoops. I'm just in a bit of a romantic mood.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

So many akuma attacks lately. At least with school I've got some semblance of routine to keep me sane, but how am I supposed to cope during the upcoming winter holidays? Paris is a minefield right now. Negative emotions can lead to anything, and I feel like I've got far too many all the time. I feel anxious, I realize that could get me akumatized, which just makes me more anxious, etc. It's a vicious cycle.

At least we're going on holiday over Christmas. Maybe if I'm not in Paris then I can actually relax a bit.

And you'll never guess who I told about my holiday. You see, sometimes I can just tell that certain people hate pointless small talk. Juleka is one of those people. So is Nath. And one of the people who hates it the most is Alix. So of course I was surprised when she very casually asked me, “So Mylène, are you doing anything fun over the holidays?”

Forget the fact that small talk is so unusual for her – she never even willingly talks to me anyway! What was the meaning of this? At least I managed to reply sensibly without seeming like a complete fool. She's probably worse at pointless conversation than I am, actually.  She had nothing to say about my holiday other than, “Oh. Cool.”

Well, at least she tried.

Aaaaaaand I can hear some rampaging outside my window. Another akuma attack, I'll bet. Do I seem oddly unconcerned? The truth is, I'm not. Every single time I think to myself: what if this time Hawk Moth wins? What then? Will we lose our superheroes? Will people permanently die? Will the stories be wrong, and evil triumphs over good after all?

I'm so sick of being scared all the time. I really need this holiday.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

Merry Christmas. I would like to have started the day off NOT having a terrible dream about every single villain I know of so far, followed by waking up to a million frantic messages from Alya telling me about all the crazy events happening back in Paris. Apparently Adrien went missing, and a street Santa got akumatized, but Adrien's alright now…

I don't even want to know the details. I just want to forget about everything for a while. Why does that feel so impossible? It's like my brain won't let me forget. Every moment it's trying to remind me that I should be afraid, even when there's nothing to fear, I should just feel jumpy and awful every second just because! Oh, what have these akuma attacks done to me? It feels like I never get a single moment of rest.

I kind of wish Ivan was here too. He's on holiday as well. I hope he's having a better time than I am. I miss those big warm arms of his, wrapping me in a huge teddy bear hug, and I miss the way his t-shirt faintly smells of the cologne he occasionally puts on, and I miss the way he runs his fingers through my hair and the way he says my name, the way he smiles, the way he speaks, the–

Oh. I am in so deep. Whenever I'm not thinking about akuma attacks, I'm thinking about him. I just can't seem to get him off my mind. I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I can't help it!! Everything is Ivan Ivan Ivan!!!

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

I feel so oddly dizzy, not in a bad way, just… bewitchingly dizzy. I don't think those two words even make sense next to each other like that. But somehow that's the only way I can describe it. Sorry, is my brain not working properly? I'm a bit lovesick right now.

I'm back in Paris, back at the heart of Hawk Moth's terror reign, and right now for these few moments I just don't care. I met up with Ivan, you see. Invited him around for a visit. He's always a welcomed guest here.

And seeing him there, having missed him so much…!!!

No, I didn't kiss him. Not properly anyway. I'm still a bit too nervous to do that. But what I did was… oh, it feels embarrassing to write now! I'm just going to look away and scribble it down.

I took his great big hands in mine and kissed them and I couldn't stop.

I feel like such a stereotypical lovesick schoolgirl! But maybe I am. And Ivan was blushing so much and smiling so much and I just felt like I wanted to make him blush _more_ , and he's just too sweet for words. Maybe I should have kissed him. Why did I chicken out of doing that?

I can't deny it. I _want_ to kiss him. And since I keep being the one to make the first move, maybe it'll be me who does it. Maybe that's what he's expecting. Will I have to stand on something? I'm not exactly tall, and he's known for being a giant. And I don't know how to kiss people! I've never done it before! (I'm not counting Stone Heart.) What if I mess up or something?

Oh, I shouldn't be getting so worked up. This is just Ivan we're talking about. He probably doesn't know what he's doing either. It'll be fine.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

Alya's been messaging me a lot recently. For once it's not her just checking up on me – she needs someone to vent to too. She tells me she has an unrequited crush on someone and wants help moving on. Oh, the poor thing. It feels weird hearing about things like that. I used to be able to relate, but recently my love life has been very successful indeed so I really don't know what to say.

I know it's a girl who Alya's crushing on, that much I can say with certainty. She keeps accidentally saying “she” or “her” and then quickly editing the message to get rid of it. Is that why the crush is unrequited? Is the mystery girl straight? Or maybe the mystery girl already likes someone else.

Or maybe the mystery girl is Ladybug…

Alya's still trying to figure out Ladybug's secret identity. The problem is that there's so many girls in Paris who look like her! And some girls even change their aesthetic to look more like Ladybug on purpose, because they admire her. Like Marinette! She once told me she has the pigtails hairstyle because it's what Ladybug has. So really, there's no way of knowing for sure.

Oh, poor Alya…

On another note entirely, the other day after school I uh… well, you see, there was still snow on the ground and Nath was looking a little bored and lonely. So I packed up a snowball and threw it at him. Not very hard! Just softly, enough to get him to notice.

At first he looked shocked. I was a bit worried, thinking maybe I had offended him. But then he grinned and threw one back. Then we started having a fun little snowball fight with each other – at least, it was fun until Kim turned up. And from that point on, it was super fun!! I hadn't expected Kim to be a very sporting player but he really surprised me. The three of us had a lot of fun that afternoon. Shame an akuma attack warning had to put an end to it.

So I suppose I can call Nath a friend now? And maybe Kim too. Kim seems to be friends with Marinette so he can't be all bad. And Ivan says he's okay now, so he must be. I'm pretty proud of him in that case. He's managed to what Chloé yet hasn't – he's actually changed for the better! When will it be Chloé’s turn to do the same?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This show has no real chronological order (at least in season 1) so I'm just randomly putting stuff wherever it feels right. It doesn't matter anyway, this fic's probably not gonna follow the storyline of the show!

Dear diary,

 

Valentine’s Day is coming up soon, and I asked precious Ivan if he wanted to have dinner with me that day. He said yes!!! Well of course he did, he’s my boyfriend. But still! I can’t help but be excited. This is the first Valentine’s Day where I’ll actually have someone romantic to spend it with. Do you think I should kiss him? Wait, why am I asking a _diary_ that question??? It’s not like you can answer me!!!

Oh wow, I’m really overdoing myself with the extra punctuation, aren’t I? Sorry, I’m just in such a great mood for once. The only problem is that I know, as does everyone else, that there’ll be an akuma attack on that day. People are always getting heartbroken and disappointed on Valentine’s Day, so Hawk Moth is going to have an easy time picking a victim. Hopefully it won’t be me…

Actually, now that I think about it, it might be Alya. I was at her house earlier – this is the second time she’s invited me over, which is so sweet of her! Her little sisters love me at this point. I played magical unicorns with them for like three hours, it was so much fun. I love hanging out with the Césaires, I really do. It feels like for a while I can just let go of all my worries and actually have a good time. And her mother’s cooking is heavenly!

But anyway, Alya was telling me a little more about that girl she has a crush on.

“I know she’s not straight, she’s told me so herself, but she’s already in love with someone else and I told her I’d help her with that!”

I didn’t ask who it was, but now at least I can have a guess. This girl who Alya likes – it must be someone she knows well, so probably from school, someone who isn’t straight, and someone who (from the sounds of it) isn’t in a relationship but wants to be. That rules me out already. So who else could it be? Let’s have a think…

Alya’s best friends with Marinette, who we all know is seriously crushing on Adrien, so it could be her. She did come into school with bi pride cupcakes one day, so it’s not impossible. In fact, I’d say it’s quite likely! But I can’t be sure yet.

Hmm… Juleka, perhaps? She once came out as gay on the class chat and then refused to talk to anyone except Rose for the next week or so. And most of us think she has a crush on Rose. Heck, the mystery girl could be Rose herself! She’s such a little beauty, we all love her a lot. I wouldn’t put it past Alya to be in love with either of those wonderful girls.

Who else is in our class? I’m going to rule out Chloé and Sabrina, since I doubt Alya would help either of them with wingman-ing. (Winggirl-ing?) And it’s probably not Alix, since she doesn’t really talk to Alya. Or anyone at all.

Okay. For now, I’m going to guess that it’s Marinette. Should I ask Alya about that properly at some point? Maybe I shouldn’t. If she wants to tell me who it is, she will. For now I think I’ll just let it be. Being in a situation like that is probably hurting her enough already, so I shouldn’t make it worse by being nosy!

Poor thing though… she was sitting on the side of her bed with her knees tucked up to her chest, looking so down. I haven’t seen Alya like that before. So… vulnerable? Is that the word I mean? I’ve always thought of her as being that awesome, kickass, spunky, intrepid reporter who’ll go chasing down akuma villains armed with nothing but a camera and a wi-fi connection. Maybe I forgot that she’s human too, and we all feel down sometimes. I know I feel down far too much of the time.

On the bright side, maybe I’m not as bad at cheering people up as I thought. I put a hand on her arm and said something like, “You’re an amazing girl, and you’ll definitely find someone lovely who’ll fall back for you some day! Anyone would be lucky to have you! I’m so glad you’re my friend!”

And then she looked at me with a grateful smile. “Thank you Mylène.” Then she jumped off the bed, already having bounced back to her normal self and ready to go, as always. That’s something I admire about Alya so much – she can never stay down for long, can she? Same with Marinette. I really could learn a thing or two from them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

One of the worst things about akuma attacks is the fear of not knowing quite what’s going on. You just hear distant thudding, hear people screaming, and you run. Not even knowing which direction to go in to be safe. Maybe sometimes you run right into the monster. Other times you get to safety, and only find out exactly what happened later when checking the news. There’s always so much confusion and concern. And what with Ladybug’s powers to reverse everything, sometimes we never even get to find out what happened in the first place. It really is a mess.

Today was one of those days. I still don’t really know what happened, and at the moment I’m still too jittery to check the Ladyblog to find out. (Sorry if my handwriting is too messy to read.) I was only just leaving school when Alya sent the message to the class chat. I really should have left earlier, but I was in the library trying to catch up on homework. I haven’t been procrastinating, I swear! I just… find it hard to do homework sometimes.

_Akumattack!!! RUN!!!_

Huh. Only now, looking back, do I realize that’s a pun. Has Alya been picking up a trick or two from Chat Noir? Or maybe she just didn’t have time to type out “akuma attack” as two separate words.

_Zoo animals escaped, or something. I think it’s my dad??? And Ladybug’s locked me in a cage with Nino._

I should have run to safety immediately, but for a few seconds I just stood there trying to work out exactly what was going on. I’ve met Alya’s father before, he seems really nice, and I know he works at the zoo. It sounded like maybe he had been akumatized or something. My first thought was honestly my heart going out to Alya – how awful must it feel to have a family member be akumatized? I hope that never happens to me!

The next thing I knew, I saw an _elephant_ charging down the street towards me. An elephant! A whole, real elephant! Usually at least when dangerous things happen to me, the villain will look vaguely human. Even Stone Heart did. But this – as if I were in a jungle or something! An actual wild animal, chasing me down! I was just frozen on the spot.

Then someone grabbed my hand and pulled me away. I just ran after them, barely looking where I was going, in a complete daze. I think I dropped my phone too. I can’t remember now. I was too afraid. I heard more thudding footsteps, maybe it was that elephant again, or some other animal, I have no idea at this point. It’s always hard to focus on anything when running for your life – a feeling I know far too well these days.

Finally we stopped in some dark alleyway or something, one of those dodgy areas of Paris where I never go voluntarily. I leaned over to catch my breath for a few seconds. Then I looked up to see that the person who had saved me was none other than Alix Kubdel, and she was just standing there with her arms crossed, hardly even looking bothered about anything.

I think I was too surprised to speak straightaway, so she just said in that monotone of hers, “You’re safe now, don’t worry.”

It just didn’t make any sense to me that she could be so unfazed about saving someone’s life, or almost being _run down by an elephant_. I asked her how she wasn’t scared. Surely she must have been? How was she never scared, ever? And then I got the answer I was expecting the least.

“Mylène, I’m fricking terrified.”

(Okay, okay, she actually said a different word beginning with F. I’m not writing it down. I have a reputation to keep up, you know, even if this is my own secret diary.)

And that was all she said. At first I thought she must be lying, but I guess… maybe she wasn’t? Maybe she’s just good at pretending not to be scared. I wish I could do the same. We just waited there in silence until Alya sent another message, finally, telling everyone that the akuma attack was over. I knew it anyway, since Ladybug’s wave of magic had somehow made my phone reappear in my hand despite me having dropped it earlier.

Anyway, that’s all over now. I probably should have a look at the Ladyblog to figure out exactly what happened. And… ohhhhh, I just realized it! I forgot to thank Alix for saving my life. I was just such a nervous, terrified wreck at the time, I could barely say anything at all! Why am I always like this? Other people are so good at controlling their fears, so why not me? I wish so much I could be more like that. I need to learn how to be braver.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

 

Today was Valentine’s Day, and I feel like I’m floating or something, that’s how good a mood I’m in! For starters, I’m relieved that I didn’t get akumatized. I’ll be honest, I was worrying that it would happen. It may or may not have kept me awake for several hours last night. Not that I expected Ivan to do anything that would cause me to be akumatized, of course! I just… oh, I don’t know. I worry too much about everything.

Anyway, first things first, as soon as I got into school I thanked Alix for saving me the other day. She just shrugged and said it was no problem. For some reason she seemed in a kind of bad mood today, though I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. In class she almost looked like she was falling asleep. I wonder what was up with her? She’s not usually quite _that_ bored.

Later Alya caught me in the locker room and whispered to me, “I’m going to get over my crush today, I promise it!”

She had the same fire in her eyes as she does when she’s on a roll for the Ladyblog, giving Ladybug an interview or some other spectacular thing like that. She’s always so determined, isn’t she?

“I’m going to set Marinette up with Adrien _today_. It’s going to happen. And then I can move on properly.”

So, it turns out I was right about Alya’s crush being on Marinette. Most of the class seems to think she’s interested in Nino, especially after the cage incident the other day, but supposedly not. Alya loves her best friend, that pretty little girl who lives in a bakery just down the road. I knew it!

Anyway, I told her I was rooting for her, and to do whatever makes her happy. She smiled and patted my arm before running off again. I think I’m getting better and better at comforting people who need it. Or maybe just better at being a good friend in general? I really hope so.

Marinette and Alya… they really would make a cute couple. I wonder if it’ll ever happen. Or will Marinette end up with Adrien, and Alya with someone else? Who knows.

Then… oh, and then…

The first thing was that Ivan got me flowers. He stood there nervously, looking at the floor, one foot awkwardly scratching at the other. He held the flowers out at me, blushing, and mumbled something about how much he loves me. I leaped up and hugged him – right in front of everyone, too! – and gave him the box of chocolates I had bought for him. And kissed his cheek. And told him I love him to pieces. It might have been a little dramatic.

But so what? I do love him! And I could hear everyone around with their little sighs of “Aww! How cute!” Rose in particular was sniffling into a tissue. She’s such a sentimental sweetheart, honestly. What a darling.

And what a darling _Ivan_ is too! We went to the restaurant together, and the whole way I was excitedly chattering at him about all sorts of nonsense, things that didn’t really matter – and he just was gazing at me in wonder the entire time, like he didn’t need anything else in the world. It just made me blush and chatter even more. For some reason the quieter Ivan is, the louder I become. It’s such a refreshing change from being the quiet mouse I always am!

Halfway through dinner we both got a message on our phones from Chloé Bourgeois, of all people. She’d sent us a picture of Kim, who seemed to be trying to give her a pretty little bit of jewellery, but had a bit of litter stuck to his face and… well, it looked very unpleasant. Poor Kim.

“He’s gonna get akumatized,” was Ivan’s immediate reaction. I just nodded sadly.

We finished our dinner but then sat there chatting for so long that the waiter started looking at us impatiently. Finally we left, and I let Ivan take me home. Along the way we checked the Ladyblog, and sure enough, Kim had been akumatized. We just hadn’t noticed because we’d been inside that restaurant the entire time! I hope the poor guy’s okay. I didn’t realize he loved Chloé and I really can’t think what he sees in her, but the heartbreak can’t have been fun.

Outside my front door, I pulled Ivan in for a very long hug. It lasted maybe five minutes or so? I just didn’t want to let go! And he had me picked up in his arms, since I’m very small compared with him, and I never wanted to leave. He whispered into my hair, “I love you, you’re so brave.”

I was just so… overwhelmed, I suppose. Out of everything that everyone has ever called me, the only person who ever calls me brave is Ivan. How does he see that in me? Me, timid little Mylène, who runs away at every chance she gets! Who can’t save people’s lives! Who can’t risk herself for a scoop! Who huddles away in her boyfriend’s arms in fear of everything!

But apparently Ivan sees something in me that I don’t see myself. I’m still wondering… how? Why? Does being in love make you see things in people that aren’t really there? He seemed to sense that I didn’t believe him, because he hugged me tighter and mumbled right into my ear, “I love you so much, you mean the world to me…”

At this point I was very overwhelmed. I had forgotten about everything else, nothing mattered to me except Ivan. Something about him, just always so wonderful and sweet, and supportive, kind, amazing, precious, beautiful…

I really did kiss him. Properly, I mean. On the lips and everything.

And then I jumped out of his arms and ran into the house, probably blushing a lot, unable to stop smiling.

Kissing is a bit weird. But nice, too. It seems so random and arbitrary when you think about it, doesn’t it? Smushing your own lips onto the mouth of another human person. But for some reason it feels good. Why does it feel good? I wouldn’t want to share a water bottle with someone, so why doesn’t the idea of kissing someone make me gag? Well, I suppose if the person is Ivan then that’s another matter…

I want to do that again. My face feels so weirdly hot while writing this. I don’t care, I don’t care at all. I want to kiss Ivan again!

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

 

I do indeed love tempting fate. I got another kiss from Ivan, sure I did. But do you know why?

_I got akumatized today._

Yep. It was my turn, I suppose. It’s a long story and I’m not sure I want to write all of it. We were doing that movie thing in class, everyone picked me to be the main actress since my father is an actor and they all expected me to have inherited his talents, and Ivan was playing the part of the monster, and…

I’m _not_ scared of Ivan. I promise I’m not. This isn’t even me trying to convince myself or anything – I’m just genuinely not scared of him. At this point I just love him too much. But he was wearing that monster mask today. It’s not even a scary mask! Just a fabric hood thing with more bits of fabric stuck on it. Nothing scary about that.

But I guess seeing Ivan as a monster just brings back bad memories or something. I was having a very bad day today in terms of my brain. Some days it just happens, whether I want it to or not. Stone Heart still does haunt me. And every time Ivan put on that mask, Stone Heart was all I saw. It was like being transported back to that awful day in September all over again. That day when everything started going downhill.

I don’t remember much. I remember Chloé laughing at me, I remember running off crying, Ivan coming along and trying to comfort me, giving me another badge to wear. He’s just so wonderful. I hope he doesn’t think me being scared was his fault, because it really wasn’t. He’s done nothing wrong. I love him so much.

After that, I honestly just don’t remember anything. There are blurry memories in my head of seeing my classmates running away, screaming in terror at something, but nothing concrete. It’s like trying to remember a dream. I don’t even know how it happened. According to Ivan, I ran into the bathrooms to go cry, and I must have been akumatized in there. But how did it happen? I don’t have any memory of that at all. Is that what it felt like for everyone who’s had this happen to them?

The first thing I properly remember is opening my eyes to see that I was in Ivan’s arms, in some darkly lit room, and all my classmates were materializing around me. Maybe Ladybug and Chat Noir were there too. I’m not sure. I was just so confused, and the slightly concerned, slightly relieved look on Ivan’s face was filling me with all kinds of emotions.

“What happened?” I asked him.

“You were akumatized,” he replied. “But you’re alright now.”

And his face broke into the biggest smile ever. He just looked so worried for me! I was still mostly confused about everything, but I didn’t care. I just jumped up and kissed him. Right there, in front of everyone. Whatever.

Then I let go and turned around to see everyone staring at us, tears in their eyes, and Nino was holding up his phone recording the entire thing.

“Can I use that in my movie?” was the first thing he said. I just nodded. After that, we went back to the classroom to tidy everything up. Everyone seemed to be giving me encouraging looks of support, little smiles and thumbs up.

“You’re awesome, Mylène!” Alya said, patting me on the arm as she always does.

“You made a super rad monster,” Juleka mumbled at me, a little louder than usual.

“You’re a superstar,” Adrien said to me, nudging my shoulder and shooting me that dazzling model smile of his.

You know, little things like that. Even Sabrina, quickly looking around to make sure Chloé wasn’t nearby, gave me a few words of support. I wonder, what kind of person would she be if Chloé wasn’t here? I kind of want to get to know her better. It might be nice to find out more about her.

And then, when I was leaving the building at the end of the day, Alix ran to catch up with me. She smiled at me – again! – and said, “You’re taking the whole ‘being akumatized’ thing way better than I did, for the record.”

The shock must have shown on my face, since I didn’t remember her being fazed by being akumatized at all. I think I even wrote about it in here at one point. (But I daren’t go back and look. For some reason I find it really embarrassing to read through this thing… do I gush about Ivan too much?)

Then she looked a little unhappier and said, more quietly, “But that’s probably because you actually have friends.” And then she just smiled again, waved, and left.

Friends… does she really not have friends? I always thought she did. But then again, I never really see her talking to anyone. It’s true that she didn’t talk much at all for a while after having been akumatized. But I just thought that was because she didn’t care. What if she did care, though? What if she was just… lonely?

 

So anyway. I know what it’s like now to be akumatized. You don’t remember anything, then spend the entire evening watching footage of the things you did and being unable to believe that was really you. I actually _scared_ people? I’ve been watching Nino’s movie on repeat, and everyone just looks terrified. I was a big purple monster, I captured people in slime, I took them away with my tentacles, I absorbed their fear and made myself bigger and scarier. It’s hard to believe. But the proof is right there.

It's weird, but… I’m calm right now. I was expecting being akumatized to be some awful, horrific, traumatic experience. And it certainly wasn’t pleasant. But you know what? It’s a blessing I don’t remember it. Because you know what’s _worse?_ All of the other akuma attacks. Being in danger. And remembering being in danger. Actually experiencing near-death.

No one’s blaming me for what Horrificator did. This isn’t like when Ivan got akumatized, where people didn’t know what to think of him. In my case everyone’s been supportive. They know it wasn’t really me. And it doesn’t really feel like it was me, either. It feels so separate from my normal self.

I think… I feel… less afraid now. I was so worried the whole time about what it must feel like to be akumatized, that I expected it to be far worse than it actually was. And it was bad! It really was. Especially the bad feelings that led Hawk Moth to targeting me in the first place. But oddly enough, I feel far less afraid now that it’s actually happened to me.

Oh, this is always happening, with everything! I get so worked up being nervous about things, and then they turn out to not be so bad in the end. Public speeches, vaccinations, that kind of thing. And now being akumatized, too. It’s like life isn’t nearly as scary as my brain’s always telling me it is. Nothing is ever as scary as it seems. It’s just me lying to myself, making myself more anxious when I really shouldn’t be. Life is not actually that bad.

Is that how people like Alya can always be so confident? Maybe they don’t have that part of their brain which lies to them about how scary things are. Maybe they just see life for how it actually is. No wonder they have so little fear compared to me. Or maybe they just ignore it, and remind themselves what life is actually like. It’s so inspiring.

Yeah, you know what? I’m in a brave mood. No more fear. No more scaredy-cat Mylène. Horrificator wasn’t afraid of things, and neither am I now. I’m going to actually make an effort to be more confident. Ivan thinks I’m brave, and I’ll prove him right. I’m ignoring all my fears. I’ll go out there tomorrow and set Alya up with Marinette, make friends with Alix, ignore Chloé’s taunts. I’ll do all the things I always wanted to do but never had the courage to do! Tomorrow is a new day, and a new Mylène. Hawk Moth can’t bring me down.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, hasn't it? Well I promise I haven't abandoned this fic! I never abandon fics. Anyways, I know I didn't really have any clue where I was going with this when I started writing it, but after a while I decided I wanted it to be about the Girl Squad, so yeah, it totally is now. Girl Squad ftw!!
> 
> (And idk if anyone reading this saw that [delinquent girl gang/squad thing](http://queenkubdel.tumblr.com/post/171818732119/queenkubdel-au-where-the-girl-squad-is-a-girl) I drew or the silly story in the tags but that totally got me back into writing this fic finally, so yay! I guess I should draw the squad more often hehe)

Dear diary,

 

Well, things have started today, and already I’m feeling stronger. First of all, my father and I went over to Marinette’s house since he had commissioned her to make a little pocket in his hat, so that he can keep a little photo of me in there as a good luck charm for his mime performances. Isn’t that sweet? He really is the best father in the world!

Anyway, he had a show later in the evening, so he left to go get prepared for that before his scary boss yelled at him again. No wait, I don’t mean scary! I mean strict. I have to remind myself to stop automatically being scared of anything or anyone even remotely intimidating. I was a terrifying purple monster yesterday, so it’s me they should all be scared of. Right?

I stayed at Marinette’s house a bit longer for a cup of tea, since Alya was there too, and I wondered if I should begin my wingwoman-ing. Mostly that consisted of me giving Alya very pointed looks, and nudging her under the table with my knee. It, uh, didn’t really work. Eventually I decided to just leave those two alone and hope Alya made a move, so I made some excuse about needing to go change before my dad’s show – but then Alya insisted on leaving with me!

“I was trying to let you have a moment alone with Marinette!” I told her, to no avail.

“Come on, I already spend enough alone time with her! And I told you, she’s in love with someone else. I’d have more chance with Ladybug herself than with Marinette.”

That really wouldn’t do. Trembling a little, I put on my most assertive voice. “With an attitude like that you’ll never succeed! I believe in you, Alya!”

She laughed and patted my shoulder. “Alright, alright, I’ll try harder from now on. But if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I’m still gonna try and carry on setting her up with Adr– uh, the boy she likes. Because I promised her I would.”

That was fair enough. Marinette and Adrien would make a cute couple too, even though Marinette can never stop stuttering around him to the point it’s ridiculous. I wonder if she thinks no one has noticed? Because honestly, I think the only one who hasn’t noticed is Adrien himself. If she wants him to love her then she’ll have to start being more straightforward with him. I mean, I started liking Ivan a lot more once he opened up to me, so I actually know what I’m talking about for once!

“Thanks for being there for me, though,” Alya continued. “You’re super great. In fact, I almost forgot – I have to show you this video I recorded earlier, Ladybug actually spoke to me, hang on–” She rummaged around in her bag for a few seconds. “Hey, where’s my phone?!”

“Maybe you left it at Marinette’s place, and you should go back and ask her about it,” I suggested, more meaning it as another possible moment Alya could have with her crush, but she wasn’t having any of it.

“Can’t you just use your phone to call her and check it’s there? I know my mum needs me back home soon, so I can’t stick around too long…”

Well, at least I had tried. I called up Marinette, who garbled something suspicious about Alya’s phone having fallen out of her bag, promised to give it back at my dad’s performance later, then swiftly hung up.

“She’s hiding something,” Alya said immediately. “But hey, I guess I’ll find out later today, when I get to sit next to her at the performance…”

She had that lovey-dovey look on her face, the same one she doesn’t hide in public when it’s Ladybug she’s talking about. Honestly, it’s very sweet that she regards Marinette just as highly. I wonder, do I get that look on my face when I’m telling her about Ivan? Maybe I do…

After that we parted ways, and I went home and changed for the performance, then spent much longer than I should have chatting to darling Ivan on the phone. I told him all about my pact yesterday to become braver and stop being a coward all the time, and he was so supportive! Though he keeps insisting that I was already brave before, which can’t be true. He’s just being polite. Or in love. Sometimes he sees things in me I don’t even see in myself, and I am definitely blaming his giant crush on me for that.

 

By the time I got to the Eiffel Tower for the performance most people were already seated – how late was I, honestly?! My dad’s performance was wonderful, as always, and this time he shared the spotlight with one of his co-workers, which was nice too. (Though Chris certainly isn’t as good as him. Sorry, but that’s the truth!) It wasn’t until after the performance that I discovered something very, very surprising.

“I’m sorry if anything that happened today scared you,” my father told me once I’d stopped hugging him and telling him how amazing he was.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, since nothing today had been scary at all! He looked nervous.

“My akumatization…”

Before even saying anything else, I whipped out my phone and checked the Ladyblog. Apparently there had been a villain called “The Mime”, who had the ability to mime invisible objects and have them come to life, and according to eyewitnesses, even cut the Eiffel Tower in half! And I had missed _everything_ , because I was indoors far away talking to Ivan!

I just jumped up and hugged my father again, hoping he wasn’t feeling too upset about whatever had happened. “I’m not scared at all, don’t worry! You’re the best father in the world.”

I really hope that reassured him. I think he’s a bit like me sometimes, you know. Sometimes things can really get him down. But that’s why I have to be there for him! He’s an amazing person no matter what, and he should know that, even if he doesn’t always see it in himself. And since I’ve been akumatized too, I can relate to whatever he must have been feeling.

 

That’s not all that happened today, by the way! Once I got back home that night I got an excited phone call from Alya telling me that Marinette had… well, stolen her phone because of accidentally deleting the video she wanted to show me, but that’s not the important thing. Marinette organized a one-on-one interview with Ladybug, just for Alya! If that’s not true love then what is?

I went and watched it all on the Ladyblog. Ladybug is so heroic and powerful, and every time I see her face or hear her voice I’m reminded that no matter what evils are happening in this crazy city, at least we have our superheroes. And we have our super civilians too! People like Alya, Marinette, and Ivan, who make everyone feel better. I want to be one of those people too. I’m trying, and I think I made a good start today, but I’m nowhere near their level yet. Especially not fearless Alya.

Do you think I ever will be anything like her?

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Dear diary,

 

It’s been a few days. Hawk Moth never gives it a rest! Sabrina and Chloé got akumatized too, and I probably should not be laughing at what happened to Chloé, but she kind of had it coming considering the way she treats her only “friend”.

Alya hasn’t made a move on Marinette yet either, or not as far as I know. What’s she waiting for?! Maybe it’s more difficult for her when she knows for sure that Marinette loves someone else. And plus, Marinette is just as fiery and spunky as Alya herself is. At least when it comes to me and Ivan, he’s so shy that I don’t feel nervous at all when inviting him over for another movie night date, or taking him out on a walk and hoping we bump into that legendary ice cream man, or pulling him down into a kiss by the front of his t-shirt because he’s way too tall for me to reach otherwise…

Anyway, I’m still trying to be all brave and everything. I haven’t been flinching at mentions of akuma attacks anymore. All it does is remind me that I once got akumatized, and it didn’t harm me, so hopefully everyone else is coping okay too! No one’s even bringing up Horrificator around me, just trying to avoid the subject entirely in case it’ll make me sad or something.

Well, except Juleka.

“What was it like to be a monster?” she asked me, catching me alone in the lockers. “Do you remember any of it?”

I said that no, unfortunately I don’t remember much at all, though if I did then I would happily tell her.

“Cool. I love that kind of stuff. I know everyone else thinks it’s weird and scary, but I just wanna say… you made a really awesome monster. Like, _really_ awesome. You weren’t even a cute monster girl or anything, you were just straight-up some sick-ass monster and it totally rocked. And oh god I hope I’m not offending you okay I’m gonna shut up now.”

Her voice had been growing quieter and more unintelligible, like it always does when she’s socially anxious, which is almost all the time. Sometimes it’s nice to think that there are people in my class far shyer than me, but most of the time I just want to _help_ poor Juleka. She always seems so nervous.

“You’re not offending me, don’t worry!” I said, hoping to sound as bright and cheery as possible. You know, like how people like Alya and Marinette and Rose always cheer people up. For good measure I reached up and put my hand on her shoulder. “I’m really glad you liked Horrificator.”

“Really?”

“Yes! Some of the akuma villains have been really cool, haven’t they? I’m glad I got to be one of the cool ones.”

Juleka blushed and mumbled something that sounded like, “I hope I get to be a cool one too,” before running off and leaving me alone again.

So, is she that sure she’s going to ever be an akuma villain? Maybe she considers it inevitable. After all, lots of people in our class have been akumatized by now – almost all, I think! – and there’s no sign of Hawk Moth being permanently stopped any time soon. Maybe she just expects it to happen to her and spends her days waiting for the axe to fall, for it all to be over. At least she hardly ever shows her emotions, so Hawk Moth might have a hard time detecting her.

What kind of akuma villain would she be? Some kind of vampire, maybe. She likes morbid stuff like that, it would make sense. Hey – is it possible for someone to get akumatized twice? Because then I might end up getting another form at some point if I ever lose it that badly again. I kind of don’t want to, but then again, it would be interesting to see…

Wow, am I really casually writing about _being akumatized_ with no fear whatsoever? Either I’m getting braver already, like I’d hoped, or we’re just so used to akuma attacks by this time that it doesn’t faze us.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

Juleka was right! Well, she was right about knowing she would get akumatized. Arguably less right about being a “cool” akuma villain, depending on your fashion tastes. Personally I thought she was a bit… uh… lacklustre. Oh man, am I really rating the akuma villains now? This is your fault, Hawk Moth!

Anyway, we had class photos today, and ours was taking forever because Chloé Bourgeois was just not happy wherever the photographer put her. And then he couldn’t figure out where to put poor Ivan, either! My poor boyfriend already feels so self-conscious about how tall he is compared to everyone else, so that can’t have been fun. But finally we got it done, with me right in the centre, though not even looking at the camera thanks to more of Chloé’s antics…

And then Rose found me and started venting to me about how poor Juleka had been left out of the photo because she had been locked in the bathroom by someone, and that it must be something to do with a “photo curse” that poor Juleka was inflicted with. (She calls her things like “poor Juleka” and “sweet Juleka” a lot.)

Alright, I’ll admit it, on the inside I was half expecting a vampire to immediately burst through the doors and start making everyone invisible in mirrors and photographs while threatening to drink our blood, or something like that. So imagine my surprise when instead of a vampire, some… some pink… _clown!_ Showed up instead! And started zapping people and turning them into clones of her!

Now, whenever anything bizarre happens, no one even wastes any time thinking about what it is because the most likely answer is always that _an akuma attack is happening_. So we all just up and ran for our lives. Sure, it turned out later that this villain’s powers barely did anything cruel at all, just transforming people into identical copies of her without changing their voice or personality whatsoever. But we didn’t know that at the time, so we just ran and hoped that whatever her powers were, they wouldn’t be inflicted on us.

I managed to make it to the locker room and sat down on the floor out of breath. The villain, Reflekta, had popped in here for a few moments to zap some more people but evidently had overlooked me, and now moved on somewhere else. Everyone was still freaking out a lot, with half of them being Reflekta clones. One was sitting fairly near me, hugging her knees to her chest, looking downhearted – and I recognized those sniffles immediately!

“Rose, are you alright?” I asked, scooting over and putting a hand on her shoulder. Alright, that was a stupid question when she clearly was not alright, but I just don’t really think properly in akuma situations, okay? I just wanted to be all brave and helpful for once!

She mumbled something about wishing she could have done more to stop Juleka being akumatized, being so worried for her poor friend, wondering how far gone poor Juleka must be to have zapped _Rose_ of all people. It’s true that sometimes akuma villains don’t attack people who they love – when I was Horrificator I supposedly spared Ivan. But clearly Juleka and Reflekta were just too different. And anyway, Juleka was feeling very alone when akumatized. It made sense that Reflekta wouldn’t care about anyone else, not even Rose.

Then I heard someone screeching, “I’m TALL NOW???!!!”

Practically everyone in the room turned to look at one of the clones nearer the door, who was looking down at herself in horror. She then started kicking at the wall with those big pink boots.

“For heck’s sake! I _hate_ wearing dresses! And makeup! And heels! And I don’t – want – to be – effing – TALL!”

(Alright, I paraphrased the swearing. Use your imagination. There was lots.)

Still with one arm around Rose, I wondered what to do. Comforting a crying friend was easy in comparison to calming down someone furious over their fate. And that furious person, judging by their voice and what they were saying, was absolutely Alix.

Okay, I’ll admit here, I’m wondering… how must it feel to be like that? Whenever I’m upset by something, my first reaction is to run away, to completely close up. I only open up when I’m at ease and content with the situation. But Alix isn’t like that. She stays out of everyone’s business when things are quiet, but when something like this happens, the first thing she does is lash out! Yelling and kicking and screaming and being _angry_ rather than afraid. How does she do it? Is that a kind of bravery too? Because it does seem like it. She doesn’t seem scared of anything, even if I know that’s not true. Sometimes I wish I could be more like her – assertive, spirited, wild. She isn’t afraid to be different.

Rose seemed to have stopped crying and was just absently watching Alix putting a dent in the wall. I remembered my promise to myself to be braver from now on, and plus, I had told myself that I would make friends with Alix, right? So far I had been totally neglecting that part of the promise. It was time to get out of my comfort zone again. Anyway, I told myself that Alix is my classmate and I shouldn’t be scared of her, even though she was Timebreaker, since no one’s scared of me for having been Horrificator…

I stood up and cautiously walked over, mumbling something that I don’t even remember now. Alix stopped kicking the wall, thankfully, though her fists were still clenched.

“Sorry,” she said, her voice softer now. “I just hate… well…”

“I agree, it looks awful,” I said. I wasn’t lying – the Reflekta outfit is definitely not my style. But apparently that was the wrong thing to say.

“Are you kidding?! It looks rad, but not on _me!”_

Now I was clamming up again, thinking I would never be able to say anything right when people needed me to. But she looked down sheepishly.

“Ah, sorry. I just really frickin’ hate being… y’know… girly. Rubs me the wrong way.” She crossed her arms. “I was kinda hoping Juleka would be a vampire or something. But I guess even when akumatized, she can’t get away from her _best friend’s_ aesthetic…”

I snuck a glance at Rose to see her looking the other way, those plastic white cheeks tinged red. Huh, so maybe I’m not the only one who thinks Juleka sees her as more than a friend. And possibly vice versa too.

In any case, the thought of Juleka being a vampire snapped me back into bravery mode. No more cowardly Mylène!

“I thought she’d be a vampire too,” I admitted. “It would suit her more.”

“Right? I was looking forward to seeing that!” Alix was smiling now, thank goodness. “But hey, I guess being turned into _this_ is at least a bit better than being murdered. But only a bit. Ladybug and Chat Noir had better hurry up.”

Right on cue, the door opened and another clone popped their head round. “Hey, everyone in here who’s been transformed! It’s me, Chat Noir. If you want to regain your appearance I’ve got a plan. Follow me!”

I watched as all the clones left the room. Then I stood at the window and watched them all stand up to Reflekta, thinking that there was no way she was a match for a giant clone army. But nope – she just hopped over all of them and then leapt away. Ladybug and the transformed Chat Noir left to go after her, and the rest of the clones just sort of hung around. Rose returned to the locker room again, giving me a quick hug – it seemed so weird with her being tall now! And Ivan, who had been transformed too, did the same. He really hated it, poor guy.

It wasn’t too long before Ladybug and Chat Noir must have de-akumatized Reflekta and everyone returned to their normal appearances. Rose immediately ran off to go look for Juleka, barely even bothering to say goodbye. And I hugged precious Ivan tight and told him I love him just the way he is, all of that stuff. I think he needed it.

After school Marinette messaged everyone to say that she had convinced the photographer to redo the class photo with Juleka this time, and in the park rather than indoors! Oh, she’s just such a hero, isn’t she? I had been feeling very sorry for Juleka but I hadn’t even considered going out of my way to do something like that. I really wish I could be more like Marinette. She’s the _best_.

So we took a bunch of new photos with Juleka, and she seemed much happier after all this, smiling and saying (not whispering!) how thankful she was that her photo curse was broken. That’s the thing – everyone in this class, barring Chloé and possibly Sabrina – really love and care about Juleka. She’s awesome! An amazing friend, a wonderful classmate, a fantastic and unique person. But I suppose she just doesn’t see it. Or rather, she didn’t until now.

 

I’m starting to wonder… well, Ivan has always said that I’m brave. Even though I’m clearly not. And I am getting better at it these days, but maybe what he sees in me is _potential_. Or something. I’m just starting to think that maybe he’s not completely wrong, maybe it’s not just him being blinded by love or whatever. After all, we’ve been dating for months – he’s far past the initial blind infatuation stage!

Maybe I just wasn’t very good at being brave yet, so I didn’t think I was. But I’m not so bad anymore. During today’s akuma attack I wasn’t very scared, and even comforted my classmates! I don’t want to get complacent or anything, but… maybe I’m already braver than I think I am…?

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

It’s amazing how quick in succession this could happen. Not too long ago Juleka got akumatized, and now Rose! Oh yes, even precious, sweet Rose has had her moment of darkness. I guess no one’s immune then.

In fact, I was… uh… maybe not that sensitive about it until it actually happened. You see, Rose got sent out of the classroom for using her perfume and going on her phone instead of paying attention to the lesson. Often these days when mildly inconvenient things happen, the reaction is to go, “Oh, they’re going to get akumatized for sure!” It’s sort of a class meme. Or a citywide meme.

So the first thing I did once Mendeleiev’s back was turned was turn to Alix and say, “Do you think Rose is going to get akumatized?”

I still haven’t spoken to Alix that much, and she did look a little surprised for a second, but then put on that signature smirk and said, “Maybe. I mean, she’s sunshine incarnate, but even she gets sad sometimes.”

“What sort of akuma villain do you think she’ll be?”

“Hmm… I would have said some kind of evil Disney princess, but considering some other people…” She glanced around at Juleka. “…maybe she’ll be all goth instead. Maybe she’ll be the vampire!”

“That would be cool!”

At that point Mendeleiev shushed us, and we didn’t continue the conversation. But hey! I think maybe Alix counts as a friend now. Or at least a very good acquaintance. Maybe I should hang out with her outside of school too, like I do with my other friends. That way she’d really count!

We were wrong about Rose, by the way. She didn’t get akumatized until later on, after school. The first I heard about it was watching the arrival of Prince Ali on TV, and suddenly an akuma villain turned up and everything went haywire. She wasn’t exactly Disney princess, but she certainly was a princess, and a goth one too! She called herself “Princess Fragrance”. (Though if you’d have asked me to pick a name for her, I think I might have gone for “Elphaba” …)

It wasn’t until late evening that I found out exactly what had happened. Rose, now de-akumatized again, excitedly sent message after message to the class chat, well, the chat that doesn’t have Chloé in it anyway. She said that Chloé ripped up the letter she wanted to deliver to the Prince, and that got her akumatized. She doesn’t remember much else but she did get to spend the rest of the afternoon with the Prince, so that was really nice for her! He’s sworn to keep in touch with her.

Lucky Rose, getting to meet her idol like that. That being said, I’ve met my idol too. Who is she? Ladybug, of course! She saved my life when I needed it most, and I’ve never forgotten that. She saves _everyone’s_ lives. And she does it again and again, day in, day out, never stopping for an instant, never letting the city of Paris ever go unprotected. Chat Noir, too! They’re the best team ever. I adore them both. What would we ever do without them?

 

* * *

 

 

 

Dear diary,

 

First of all, it’s Marinette’s birthday soon and we’re planning a surprise party for her. I hope she’ll like it! Ah, what am I talking about, of course she’ll like it. She’s Marinette! A complete sweetheart. She likes everything we put effort into for her. Alya’s organizing everything, and you can always see the sparkle in her eyes whenever she mentions Marinette. How are other people not seeing this?

Or maybe they are, and they’re just keeping quiet…

Also, there was a new girl at school called Lila. She told me she’s best friends with Ladybug, which is pretty cool! That being said, she did get akumatized, and though no one’s entirely sure why, Lila has been keeping to herself after that, so who knows what happened? She hasn’t said anything else about Ladybug either.

The other weird thing I have to write about, I just _have to_ , is that Ladybug and Chat Noir kissed!!! I’m not joking! One of the TV presenters started a new show where she interviewed them, and she pulled up a photo and everything! Now all of Paris wants to know if they’re a couple, but Ladybug won’t say anything because it’s not professional. Oh yeah, and the TV presenter got akumatized too. Alya was texting me about how she was babysitting the presenter’s kid at the time, and then she got kidnapped and almost thrown in the Seine, and… uh, it was a little confusing.

Oh, and she also did say that she and Marinette shared a “heartfelt hug” that night, whatever she means by that. She won’t explain further.

So, are Ladybug and Chat Noir a couple? Ladybug insists all those photos were taken “out-of-context”. This morning at school Kim was bragging about how he totally knew it, because he witnessed the kiss himself – he was Dark Cupid, after all, the akuma villain on Valentine’s Day. He says he didn’t say anything earlier because he wasn’t sure if he remembered it properly or not and didn’t want to spread false rumours. Akuma memories are always hazy at best.

Well, I suppose it’s none of our business really. Even if I do want to know!

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dear diary,

 

What a day! Hawk Moth akumatized a _robot_ today. No, I am not joking. Gosh, that’s not even the surprising thing. I guess what’s surprising is that Max, my own classmate, secretly made a robot that is smart enough to have emotions. An actual robot with feelings! And feelings that got hurt, causing it to be akumatized!

I shouldn’t even refer to Markov as “it”, should I? Yes, his name is Markov. He’s small and cute and he flies around and speaks to people. And I want like 20.

We were just in class, waiting for Damocles to fix a laptop, me and Alix secretly playing hangman on the side of a scrap bit of paper, when it happened. Max walked in and his bag started speaking. The next thing we knew, the little robot had flown out and began introducing himself! Oh, he was so cute! I can still hear his adorable little voice in my ears. And when I realized he had _emotions_ too, that he truly does feel things despite being made of metal and plastic – well I have to admit it. I LOVE this robot!

Unfortunately, Markov must still be learning when the appropriate situations to sass people are. He got confiscated for talking back at Mendeleiev. Marinette got herself purposely sent out of class to go see if she could get him back – what a hero, seriously! She never ceases to amaze me. Apparently it didn’t work, though, because our phones and tablets suddenly came to life and chased us out of the classroom, I kid you not.

Running into the courtyard there was a giant constructed mecha there, speaking with Markov’s voice, and yep. He had been akumatized. An actual robot.

The rest is the normal blur that akuma attacks always are. I never even get to see most of the battles! Ladybug and Chat Noir just leap off into the air to do their thing and de-akumatize the villain where I can’t watch. Huh, I can’t believe I’m actually complaining about that. I used to prefer being away from the action. I guess it’s not that bad now that I’m so used to it.

Anyway, Markov’s alright again now. Once the attack was over and we could use our phones again, everyone was messaging Max and asking if the little robot was okay. Oh… maybe we should have been asking if Max himself was okay too, whoops. But the important thing is that both of them are fine, and things are back to normal, or as normal as they’ll ever be in this cursed city.

I wonder how often I’ll get to meet Markov again? I really want to hang out with him more often now, that’s for sure!


End file.
